Know Thy Enemies, Know Thy Friends
by aritzen
Summary: [old] My club is better than your club. 3Z verse.


Notes: I originally posted this fic under an old account on January 28, 2012.

* * *

 _Prompt by primevalsoup: "3Z-verse. Sakata Ginpachi, Sakamoto Tatsuma, Takasugi Shinsuke, and Katsura Kotaro are advisors/club presidents of Yorozuya, Kaientai, Kiheitai, New!Jouishishi. They argue that their club is the best, and it leads to a Gintama-styled competition/games."_

* * *

 **Know Thy Enemies, Know Thy Friends**

-x-

Ginpachi woke up to a declaration of war.

Specifically, his morning went like this: He flung his Justaway alarm clock against the wall, put on his lab coat inside-out over his strawberry-patterned pajamas, slammed the drawer shut without retrieving his tie, stumbled out of his apartment, a green sock on one foot and a blue sock on the other, his untamed silver hair poofier than usual, and crashed into Class 3Z seven minutes after the homeroom bell had rung – all with his eyes closed.

When he finally forced his eyes open, he found himself sprawled on a familiar podium, staring at a string of blurry words on a blackboard. He blinked.

 _My club is better than your club._

"S-sensei..." someone said.

Ginpachi rubbed his eyes, digging out eye gunk, and squinted at the blackboard again. There it was, in thick white chalk: _My club is better than your club._

"Er, sensei..." that someone tried again.

Ginpachi jumped away from the podium, as if burned, and swept his gaze across the classroom, ignoring the pointed laughter as gracefully as any penguin would be if it'd fallen flat on its face while waddling across thin ice. He cleared his throat and waited for the laughter to die down.

"Alright," Ginpachi said in his usual drawl. "Who vandalized the blackboard? All the club presidents, stand up."

"Sensei." Okita raised his hand. "It was Hijikata."

Hijikata choked on air and sputtered, "D-don't go making stuff up, Sougo. It wasn't me, sensei! The words were already there when I arrived in the classroom this morning. Right, Kondo-san?"

Avoiding Hijikata's eyes, Kondo sat at his desk with his brows furrowed and arms folded. A beat later, he straightened his back and directed his gaze at the blackboard, wearing an intense look that meant he was either contemplating the truth behind those words or debating how to inform his classmates that he'd just crapped his pants.

"Toushi," he said solemnly. "The Discipline Committee is indeed better than the other clubs. Wouldn't you agree?"

Hijikata blinked. "Huh?"

"Hmph," Katsura said. "Such nonsense. Clearly everyone needs to join the Society of Joi. Right, Elizabeth?"

 _We are superior_ , read Elizabeth's placard. _Join and you shall receive a free towel._

"Ahaha, Kinpachi," Sakamoto piped up from the empty desk next to Mutsu's. "I've decided to sit in on your lecture today. The Kaien Club is recruiting new members too, you see, ahaha."

Mutsu twitched, while Ginpachi unwrapped the lollipop of the day and stuck it into his mouth. Strawberry milk flavor, always the best.

"Wait," Shinpachi said. "Why is everyone suddenly recruiting for their clubs?"

"Heh," Matako said with a smirk. "You're all in denial. The Takasugi Gang is obviously the best club in Kabuki-cho, but we aren't recruiting so tough luck!"

"You're not a club. You're delinquents!" Shinpachi exclaimed.

Takasugi flipped a page in his textbook and continued reading.

"In the Society of Joi," Katsura began. "We engage in intellectual discussions about the current state of affairs, compose hip-hop music, and admire the softness of kitty paws. We have room for everyone, so join today!"

"Ahaha, don't listen to Zura. The Kaien Club – "

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

" – is the leading – "

"You know why we're better than regular clubs? We fight with croquette buns! Not that we're recruiting."

" – journalism club that... "

"Shimura, it just occurred to me that I'm not an adviser to any club. Since you're class representative, you're now president of my newly formed club: SCET DAN."

"...also collects Gunsam figures..."

"Eh? But Sket Dance is copyright material."

"Ahaha... it seems like no one is listening to me..."

"No, not SKET DAN – SCET DAN, with a C! The British version."

"What British version! What the heck does C stand for? Compassion?"

"No, it stands for Cruelty."

"Huh?"

"Suffer. Cruelty. Enslavement. Troublemakers. SCET DAN."

"That makes no sense, sensei! Why should I be president of – "

"Um," Kondo interjected. "What about the Discipline Committee?"

"Alright," Ginpachi said. "All of you, shut up! SCET DAN is the best club in this school. End of discussion. Class dismissed."

"Eh?"

-x-

The next day, Ginpachi woke up to a battlefield.

Specifically, his morning went like this: He pushed open the classroom door, on time for once, and was instantly covered in the poo-pee mixture sitting in a steel bucket delicately balanced on top of the door. The bucket itself whacked against his head and landed on the floor with a series of clangs.

"Bwahaha!" Kagura laughed as she crawled out from under the lecture podium. "Did you see that, Shinpachi?"

"That's sensei!" Shinpachi yelled as he also crawled out from under the lecture podium. "He's on our team! I knew it was a bad idea to pull that prank before sensei got to the classroom. Now our own team loses points!"

"You need to learn how important self-deprecation is, Shinpachi," Kagura said with a tsk.

"That's not the problem here," Shinpachi said and turned to Ginpachi. "S-sensei, are you alright?"

Ginpachi pulled out a mostly dry handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the brown goo off his face. Before he could say something, a triumph laughter came from the open window.

"Sensei, that's score for the Society of Joi!" Katsura declared as he stood atop of Elizabeth's head in order to peer into the second floor. "We now move on to the next level. Scet dan, I challenge you... to a children's card game: Uno!"

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said, I don't even know where to start," said Shinpachi.

"Zura," Ginpachi said philosophically.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"Come up with something more creative." Ginpachi picked up the blackboard eraser and balanced it on top of the nearly-shut door again. "Even card games on motorcycles have become a cliché these days."

"It's not card games on motorcycles, it's Uno."

Unwrapping his daily lollipop – pure sugar today – Ginpachi walked up to the lecture podium and said, "Maybe try something like... board games on flying pigs."

"That's not any better," Shinpachi remarked.

"Or maybe we should play the Game of Things," Ginpachi continued. "The team that manages to insert d*ck into every response but still manages to maintain a sense of logic wins."

"Sensei," Kagura said. "You're wrong. We should try to insert cheese f*ndue into every response."

Katsura's face turned bright red. "Ch-ch-ch – "

Ginpachi threw Kagura a glance, and then the light bulb above his head lit up. "Oh! Cheese f*ndue! You can *** and *** with *** if you **** – "

"Oiiiiiii!" Shinpachi shouted.

Then they heard a ka-thunk outside the window followed by a squeaky voice.

"Et tu... Lea...der...?"

Somewhere in the distance, someone hit a gong.

The Society of Joi had been taken out.

"Ahaha, thanks for taking out Zura, Kinpachi!" Sakamoto said as he popped up from under the second open window, standing on Mutsu's shoulders.

"Why are we doing this?" Mutsu asked, glaring up at Sakamoto's crotch.

Sakamoto glanced down. "Ahaha, because Kinpachi put a board eraser on top of the door. We would get hit on our heads if we went through the door right now, and then we'd lose."

"No, I mean, why are you standing on my shoulders?"

"Ahaha, well I may be tall, but I'm not quite tall enough, whereas you're short and – ow ow ow ow! Aha..." Sakamoto winced, clutching the window sill to maintain balance. "Kintoki, we planted miniature Gunsam figures all over campus. If you find them – "

" _You_ were the one who stole my miniature Gunsam figure collection?" Mutsu yelled, and whatever it was she did, Sakamoto suddenly disappeared from the window. Only angry shouts accompanying whimpers sounded from the outside.

Someone rang the gong again in the distance.

Shinpachi blinked. "Did Kaien take themselves out?"

"See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," Ginpachi remarked.

"Was it just me or did he call you 'Kintoki' at some point?" Kagura asked.

"See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," Ginpachi repeated.

The door creaked behind them, and the three of them turned in time to catch the eraser plunk down on Takasugi's head, leaving a neat white rectangle on his hair.

"Shin-chan," Nizo called out from the third open window. "Are you alright?"

Next to Nizo, Bansai said, "This is why I recommended entering through the window, but I daresay this is a non-zero sum game either way for Shinsuke's dignity."

"Why are all the guys standing on the girls' shoulders today?" Matako grumbled at the sky – well, Bansai's crotch. "Do the Gintagirls come across as mountain gorillas to you?"

"Don't lump me in with you crazy mountain gorillas," Takechi said while his knees trembled under Nizo's weight.

"Go to hell!" Matako yelled and lifted her leg to kick Takechi on the shins, but as the law of uncommon stupidity would go, all four of them toppled to the ground, leaving behind only the echoes of their shouts of despair as if the cliff they had been standing on had just crumbled.

Takasugi dusted the white chalk off his head, walked up to the Scet Dan team, and placed an abacus on the lecture podium. "Do you know what I do?" he asked.

"T-Takasugi-san," Shinpachi said, unsure if the delinquent was posing a rhetorical question or not.

"I simply destroy..." When Takasugi looked up, his good eye glinted in a crazed manner. "In an abacus match!"

"He snapped! He finally snapped!"

A crash came from behind, sending a bent door flying across the room and shattering half the wall.

"Ah, Nii-chan."

"Nii-chan?" Shinpachi echoed as he coughed. When the dust cloud cleared, Shinpachi could only gape at the sight before him.

"It's not nice to start the competition without us," Kamui said. "We'll show you who's boss."

"Wait," Shinpachi said. "You're not in Class 3Z! You're not even in Gintama High!"

"Orrrrrrrryaaaa," shouted Matsudaira. "As adviser for the Discipline Committee, I demand that we participate in the competition as well!"

"Hang on a sec!" Shinpachi shouted. "You're not in the original prompt! You – "

(one moment please)

.

"Ah."

.

(for the time being, feel free to examine your toe nails or the yellow stain above your head on the ceiling)

.

"What is going on? What is this lame attempt at mimicking a TV broadcast?"

.

(when we return, there will be nothing left)

.

Shinpachi blinked. "Oh, the narration's back." He blinked again. Then he turned away from the chaotic scene in the classroom and walked out of the hole that used to be the door.

"I think I'll transfer."


End file.
